Some of you may know that I recently miscarried our baby. In the days following this shocking event I have felt despair, hope, faith, fear, joy and sorrow. It is possible to feel these things in the same moment or within hours. I cannot describe the depth of love that I have felt from God, from my beloved husband, family and friends. I don’t feel strong, I actually feel weak. Yet Jesus has sustained me.
The past few months have opened my eyes to the pain that each of us go through. Each of us have things that have broken our heart or shaken our faith. This isn't a post about my miscarriage, it is about dealing with pain. It is about lost hopes and shattered dreams.
It could be something like divorce, death, a breakup. It could be that your car broke and you don't have money to fix it. You’re struggling to feel like a success, you can’t connect with your spouse like you used to, or you don't feel like you can feel God close anymore.
You don't have to go through something the world deems “tragic” in order to hurt. Every one has their own tragedy. At any point of a day or week we can be launched in to the fight of faith. The struggle to activate our voice and our hope.
The following are my thoughts. Not out of a place of victory, but in the midst of the battle. Not out of retrospect, but during present grief and doubt, fear and hope.
Satan’s number one goal is to silence us. He will use any tactic necessary to get our focus away from our Victory, from our Promise, our Father. He will play a game of shadows so that fear would vie to overcome our hearts. He will make us feel unworthy to enter into the Secret place due to our own inadequacies.
I have struggled to not let despair silence me. I found myself numb, staring into the void, the breath taken out of me. I was cleaving to the very fears and depression that was working to destroy me.
All the while I heard the voice of the Holy Spirit, a glimmer of hope at the surface of the raging sea that threatened to drown me. He whispered “Come be with me. Trust me. I am faithful and I will complete what I have promised. You will not be overcome. This is not the end of your story for I AM your Hope”.
More and more I realize that the only way to walk in victory is not to lay down, but to rise up and fight! Psalm 18:34-35 “He teaches my hands to war, so that my arms can bend a bow of bronze. You have also given me the shield of Your salvation, and Your right hand has held me up.” (AMPC) God fights for us, yes, but He also fights with us.
I have begun to see pain for what it is: a question. “What will you do when what you hoped for is crushed? Will you believe His Word? What will you let your focus become?”
David did not become King overnight, he did not have victory in a day. Yet he chose to declare that God is who He says He is. He would cry out to God. “You do hear me! You will complete your promises! You will rescue me out of this pit ,and from my enemies!” He didn't have all the answers but he knew who did. He wasn't always in safe circumstances, but he knew who his protector was! He didn't always “feel” like worshipping, yet he would cry out in adoration and declare who God is, knowing it was his key to victory.
Psalm 34:4“I sought (inquired of) the Lord and required Him [of necessity and on the authority of His Word], and He heard me, and delivered me from all my fears.” (AMPC)
Psalm 18:6 In my distress [when seemingly closed in] I called upon the Lord and cried to my God; He heard my voice out of His temple (heavenly dwelling place), and my cry came before Him, into His [very] ears. (AMPC)
Even when we don’t have it in us to fight, we have a Warrior King who fights for us! II Corinthians 12:9 My grace (My favor and loving-kindness and mercy) is enough for you [sufficient against any danger and enables you to bear the trouble manfully]; for My strength and power are made perfect (fulfilled and completed) and show themselves most effective in [your] weakness. (AMPC)
The enemy tries to steal our most powerful weapon, our own voice. When we activate our voice and begin to speak the truth he loses his hold over our heart and his power over our minds. It is not something that happens automatically. It is a fight of faith. It can feel like your voice is trapped in your throat, if you have to start by crying, cry… whisper, shout, raise your voice. (literally!) With each syllable, with each tear and sob, with each song you will break the power of defeat, even before you see what you hope for.
I don’t want to walk in victory only when I see the promise completed. I want to declare my victory despite my circumstances. If we allow the enemy to sway our faith based on our circumstances he will always have a key to destroy us. Our hope can stay the same regardless of what is happening. We must to stay committed to our own identity in Christ and the victory He has given us. We are His Sons and Daughters and have authority to use our voice and walk in our freedom.
We have to speak to our own soul. Psalm 42:5 “Why are you in despair, my soul? Why are you disturbed within me? Hope in God, for once again I will praise him, since his presence saves me.” (ISV)
We are not those who will falter and be silenced by our pain and our own weakness! We are the children of the Most High. We will pick up our sword and crush the head of our enemy, hand in hand with our King!
If this speaks to you in any way I would like you to join me in a declaration, a cry of hope and victory.
“Lord, I believe you are who you say you are. Your promises are true. I believe that your word does not return to you without accomplishing what you have sent it to do. (Isa 55:11). I will not allow the enemy to take away my voice. I will rise up and reach towards you! I will not be crushed by pain, circumstance, trial or tragedy. I am your daughter/son and I will not believe anything less than the truth of who you are and who I am. I will not allow my hope to be destroyed by what I see. For my faith is assurance of the things I have hoped for and it is the proof of the things I haven't seen yet. (Heb11:1)
I will praise you regardless of how I feel because I know you are worthy. My praise is the sound of my victory! I know you keep my tears. (Ps 56:8) I will stay in your secret place, I will hide under the shadow of your wings. You are my refuge. (Ps 91) Your love will dispel all of my fears. (I Jn 4:18) You have not given me the spirit of fear and torment, but of power, of love and of a well balanced mind. (II Tim 1:7). I know I may not feel strong. Yet I have strength for all things in Christ Who empowers me [I am ready for anything and equal to anything through Him Who infuses inner strength into me; I am self-sufficient in Christ’s sufficiency] (Phil 4:13 ).
When I fall into despair I will not beat myself up, I will rise again. (Prov 24:16) When the enemy comes against me like a flood, you will rise up with me and cause him to flee. (Isa 59:19).
I love you Lord, You are worthy, You are high above, You are faithful and true. You are my victory. You are my hope. I trust You."
The past few months have opened my eyes to the pain that each of us go through. Each of us have things that have broken our heart or shaken our faith. This isn't a post about my miscarriage, it is about dealing with pain. It is about lost hopes and shattered dreams.
It could be something like divorce, death, a breakup. It could be that your car broke and you don't have money to fix it. You’re struggling to feel like a success, you can’t connect with your spouse like you used to, or you don't feel like you can feel God close anymore.
You don't have to go through something the world deems “tragic” in order to hurt. Every one has their own tragedy. At any point of a day or week we can be launched in to the fight of faith. The struggle to activate our voice and our hope.
The following are my thoughts. Not out of a place of victory, but in the midst of the battle. Not out of retrospect, but during present grief and doubt, fear and hope.
Satan’s number one goal is to silence us. He will use any tactic necessary to get our focus away from our Victory, from our Promise, our Father. He will play a game of shadows so that fear would vie to overcome our hearts. He will make us feel unworthy to enter into the Secret place due to our own inadequacies.
I have struggled to not let despair silence me. I found myself numb, staring into the void, the breath taken out of me. I was cleaving to the very fears and depression that was working to destroy me.
All the while I heard the voice of the Holy Spirit, a glimmer of hope at the surface of the raging sea that threatened to drown me. He whispered “Come be with me. Trust me. I am faithful and I will complete what I have promised. You will not be overcome. This is not the end of your story for I AM your Hope”.
More and more I realize that the only way to walk in victory is not to lay down, but to rise up and fight! Psalm 18:34-35 “He teaches my hands to war, so that my arms can bend a bow of bronze. You have also given me the shield of Your salvation, and Your right hand has held me up.” (AMPC) God fights for us, yes, but He also fights with us.
I have begun to see pain for what it is: a question. “What will you do when what you hoped for is crushed? Will you believe His Word? What will you let your focus become?”
David did not become King overnight, he did not have victory in a day. Yet he chose to declare that God is who He says He is. He would cry out to God. “You do hear me! You will complete your promises! You will rescue me out of this pit ,and from my enemies!” He didn't have all the answers but he knew who did. He wasn't always in safe circumstances, but he knew who his protector was! He didn't always “feel” like worshipping, yet he would cry out in adoration and declare who God is, knowing it was his key to victory.
Psalm 34:4“I sought (inquired of) the Lord and required Him [of necessity and on the authority of His Word], and He heard me, and delivered me from all my fears.” (AMPC)
Psalm 18:6 In my distress [when seemingly closed in] I called upon the Lord and cried to my God; He heard my voice out of His temple (heavenly dwelling place), and my cry came before Him, into His [very] ears. (AMPC)
Even when we don’t have it in us to fight, we have a Warrior King who fights for us! II Corinthians 12:9 My grace (My favor and loving-kindness and mercy) is enough for you [sufficient against any danger and enables you to bear the trouble manfully]; for My strength and power are made perfect (fulfilled and completed) and show themselves most effective in [your] weakness. (AMPC)
The enemy tries to steal our most powerful weapon, our own voice. When we activate our voice and begin to speak the truth he loses his hold over our heart and his power over our minds. It is not something that happens automatically. It is a fight of faith. It can feel like your voice is trapped in your throat, if you have to start by crying, cry… whisper, shout, raise your voice. (literally!) With each syllable, with each tear and sob, with each song you will break the power of defeat, even before you see what you hope for.
I don’t want to walk in victory only when I see the promise completed. I want to declare my victory despite my circumstances. If we allow the enemy to sway our faith based on our circumstances he will always have a key to destroy us. Our hope can stay the same regardless of what is happening. We must to stay committed to our own identity in Christ and the victory He has given us. We are His Sons and Daughters and have authority to use our voice and walk in our freedom.
We have to speak to our own soul. Psalm 42:5 “Why are you in despair, my soul? Why are you disturbed within me? Hope in God, for once again I will praise him, since his presence saves me.” (ISV)
We are not those who will falter and be silenced by our pain and our own weakness! We are the children of the Most High. We will pick up our sword and crush the head of our enemy, hand in hand with our King!
If this speaks to you in any way I would like you to join me in a declaration, a cry of hope and victory.
“Lord, I believe you are who you say you are. Your promises are true. I believe that your word does not return to you without accomplishing what you have sent it to do. (Isa 55:11). I will not allow the enemy to take away my voice. I will rise up and reach towards you! I will not be crushed by pain, circumstance, trial or tragedy. I am your daughter/son and I will not believe anything less than the truth of who you are and who I am. I will not allow my hope to be destroyed by what I see. For my faith is assurance of the things I have hoped for and it is the proof of the things I haven't seen yet. (Heb11:1)
I will praise you regardless of how I feel because I know you are worthy. My praise is the sound of my victory! I know you keep my tears. (Ps 56:8) I will stay in your secret place, I will hide under the shadow of your wings. You are my refuge. (Ps 91) Your love will dispel all of my fears. (I Jn 4:18) You have not given me the spirit of fear and torment, but of power, of love and of a well balanced mind. (II Tim 1:7). I know I may not feel strong. Yet I have strength for all things in Christ Who empowers me [I am ready for anything and equal to anything through Him Who infuses inner strength into me; I am self-sufficient in Christ’s sufficiency] (Phil 4:13 ).
When I fall into despair I will not beat myself up, I will rise again. (Prov 24:16) When the enemy comes against me like a flood, you will rise up with me and cause him to flee. (Isa 59:19).
I love you Lord, You are worthy, You are high above, You are faithful and true. You are my victory. You are my hope. I trust You."
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